Monday, April 21, 2008

you're wrapped around my ankles. stomach in knots, purged of emotion, coffee and blood clots.

My mind is in a constant state of turmoil and I feel as though I am stuck in a perpetual state of uncertainty and disillusionment.

I have this funny feeling, this nagging sensation in the back of my mind. It's this weird feeling that I want to not want material objects, so I can be unattached to this world, and in a strong sense, free.

I have felt this aching in my heart for the last couple weeks when I awoke, and I just recently pinpointed what was causing this. Deep down in my soul, I fear the very notion of uncertainty, which is not a good thing to be afraid of when the world we live in is completely irrational, unstable, and thus uncertain. I try to correct these things that I consider “flaws” in my character, but I just create more uncertainty.

I need to embrace life; I need to accept what I cannot change. When my grandma died, my family uncovered a large amount of poetry that she had written over the years. One of the poems discussed the act of embracing your circumstances. “Embrace the cancer,” she said.

I live only because of love.

Love others, love yourself, remember that you are special – mind, body, heart, and soul.

Love the uncertainty, because it provides a gateway to my dad and the ways in which he teaches me to live.

I am a scattered mess, but I love being a scattered mess.
I am an emotional person, but I love being able to feel.
I am clumsy and the exact opposite of smooth, but I love that about myself.


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