Wednesday, April 30, 2008

catharsis for my love

Oh my father.
I am null…
A friend
A family
A brother
Fantasy
Despised
Cast away
Null
Seamless
Lost
Afraid
Found
Brave
Progressive
Lovely
Beautiful
Meaningless
Meaningful
Angry
Joyful
Loved…

Catharsis for my loved ones, catharsis for my enemies.
Oh my love. What beautiful love.



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Monday, April 21, 2008

you're wrapped around my ankles. stomach in knots, purged of emotion, coffee and blood clots.

My mind is in a constant state of turmoil and I feel as though I am stuck in a perpetual state of uncertainty and disillusionment.

I have this funny feeling, this nagging sensation in the back of my mind. It's this weird feeling that I want to not want material objects, so I can be unattached to this world, and in a strong sense, free.

I have felt this aching in my heart for the last couple weeks when I awoke, and I just recently pinpointed what was causing this. Deep down in my soul, I fear the very notion of uncertainty, which is not a good thing to be afraid of when the world we live in is completely irrational, unstable, and thus uncertain. I try to correct these things that I consider “flaws” in my character, but I just create more uncertainty.

I need to embrace life; I need to accept what I cannot change. When my grandma died, my family uncovered a large amount of poetry that she had written over the years. One of the poems discussed the act of embracing your circumstances. “Embrace the cancer,” she said.

I live only because of love.

Love others, love yourself, remember that you are special – mind, body, heart, and soul.

Love the uncertainty, because it provides a gateway to my dad and the ways in which he teaches me to live.

I am a scattered mess, but I love being a scattered mess.
I am an emotional person, but I love being able to feel.
I am clumsy and the exact opposite of smooth, but I love that about myself.

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